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More than any other factor, in carring out interactions ( the verb conflict ) how well we communicate will influence the development of a conflict. Solutions can always be worked out, but this will only happen if the parties communicate effectively. Many personality differences can distort the communication; withdrawal, aggressiveness and the inability to really listen to another's viewpoint are key contributors to escalating conflict.
This unit focuses on communication skills that are essential to effectively manage a conflict. Techniques in listening, speaking, questioning and assertiveness as well as an understanding of non-verbal communication will help the reader to get their point across as well as to understand the positions taken by others. These skills are the basic tools that can be used to deal with any conflict situation.
At its most basic level, communication involves a sender, a receiver and a message. The sender is the person communicating the message and the receiver needs to interpret the message in order to understand.
In actual fact, the situation is a little more complex than this for a number of reasons:
Some other sources of messages can be obvious or intituitive feelings or thoughts about another person's:
Potential conflict situations can happen very quickly when someone has got the "hump", is angry or emotionally upset about something
Communication can be a fast complex process and a lot of the communication process can be unconscious. When we communicate in our usual verbal manner, we are also generally unaware of our body language: posture, eye contact and so on.
We are also unaware of many of our habits of speech. In some ways to be aware of our own flaws as effective communicators requires some self study. One method of self study, the STOP, exercise. Our own ego defence mechanisms can obscure things we would be better off learning about, because they send strong messages to other people affecting the way they respond to us.
By looking at our unconscious patterns of communication and accepting beneficial advice from others interested in our welfare, it is possible to become aware of the messages that we are sending to others. Changing unconscious communication habits requires observation and practice. Usually, new ways of interacting will seem a little unnatural and difficult at first. Self knowledge can allow better communication in a potential conflict make them well worth the effort.
Conflicts are difficult situations and add a great deal of pressure to the communication process. When people are threatened or stressed, they are less open to the other person and communication barriers develop. Most communication barriers are due to:
Have you ever been involved in a conversation when you suddenly realise that neither of you are really listening to the other person? Where you are taking turns to talk but nothing is actually getting through? Usually this realisation happens for me when I have something important to say; something that I would really like the other person to understand. Situations of potential or actual conflict demand a high level of listening skills to be effectively resolved. In conflict situations, people need to feel that they have been heard and the other person cares about their predicament.
Listening is a much more demanding activity than most people realise. We often assume that hearing a person and listening are the same thing. Hearing is a basic auditory sense and occurs pretty much automatically without any understand such as animals hearing sounds but not understanding the meanings of words. Listening is the mental and emotional attention we give to the meaning of the sounds we are hearing. How hard we are listening, understanding and concentrating on what is being said?
Some people are capable of what is called selective hearing; an attention level so low that they are actually unaware that you have spoken. Other people are such skilled listeners that they are a joy to talk to. Good listeners are generally popular and highly respected. Being able to really listen can take you a long way in your career and is invaluable in conflict situations.
Like any communication skill, listening can be developed through understanding the process and through practice. Below is an activity to get you thinking about good listening practices.
Think of people in your life who make you feel like what you say is important. What kinds of things do they do to make you feel this way?
What are some of the most annoying habits of poor listeners?
Communication theorists sometimes use the term active listening to describe attentive listening. Active listening simply uses all the strategies of the good listener to let the speaker know that they have you full attention. This involves the following:
Body language is one of the most important elements of active listening. How many of the annoying listening habits you listed above relate to body language. Common complaints include:
By using appropriate body language, we can create a strong impression that we are listening carefully. When practicing active listening, the following habits are vital:
Listeners often overlook the importance of body language in giving the right message to speakers. It is a rare person who will tell you outright that you are boring or misguided yet many of us put exactly that message across through our body language. Body language is an extremely powerful form of expression, often totally overpowering the verbal messages of the listener. People will often say they want to hear you out only to doodle or tidy their desk whilst you speak. Managers will sometimes claim they have an open doors policy and constantly take phone calls when you have something important to say. A lot of difficult situations are made far worse by body language which is just plain rude.
On the whole, we are mostly unaware of our body language. For one thing, it is difficult to engage in a conversation and be aware of our body language at the same time. We are also unable to observe ourselves as others see us. The following is an exercise to help us become more aware of the non-verbal messages we send.
In groups of three, assign the roles of speaker, listener and observer.
The role of the speaker is to discuss something that is important for them. It may be a controversial subject, a personal issue or a anecdote which you find interesting. Something you want to talk about.
The role of the listener is to keep the speaker talking with a particulat focus on using supportive body language.
The observer watches the interaction, paying attention to way body language is used in the discussion. You may like to take notes. You might also try observing from a distance so you are only aware of the non-verbal elements of the converation.
A variation on this exercise is to use a video camera to record the interaction. This can be a real eye opener.
Another more challenging variation on this exercise that should seek subject's ethical written consent that if anyone says "STOP" the speaker will freeze still and contemplate any impressions their body language may be giving others. Allow others to tell you what impression the frozen moment gives them of your communication. This is from a Sufi exercise in self Observation.
The ability to ask the right kinds of questions makes communication a lot easier. Have you ever tried to find out about someone only to get yes and no answers? The conversation goes nowhere and pretty soon dies out. The chances are you were using closed questions.
Did you go out last night?
Have you seen the latest Matrix movie?
Are you prepared to take your job seriously?
All are examples of closed questions. Closed questions are conversation deadeners because they require only one word answers. They discourage further explanation.
Open questions on the other hand allow the person to speak more freely.
What did you do last night?
What did you think of the new Matrix Movie?
How are you planning to approach your job?
Open questions are more revealing and show a greater willingness to listen since they require a person to choose what they want to say. Open questioning is a continual process. Extra open questions need to be asked sometimes to keep the ball rolling.
What did you think of the new Matrix Movie?
It was good.
What was the story about?
Some people need a lot of encouragement before they will speak freely. Open questions help this process along.
Replace the following closed questions with more revealing open questions.
Have you finished the work I gave you last week?
Are you planning to take your holidays this January?
Are you interested in managing one of our regional offices?
Do you like working with Sandi?
Are you having any difficulties with the new job?
The right kind of questioning plays an important role in active listening. Knowing when to chip in with a question and when to remain quiet is something that requires observation and practice. Sometimes what is needed is a small verbal prompt to help the speaker get out what they want to say. Often it is as simple as a well placed "Hmmmmm" or "I see". When a listener speaks to encourage, extend or clarify points made by a speaker, it is referred to as feedback. Feedback is quite different from making points of your own. A skilled listener will usually be able to respond verbally in any of the following ways.
These are small verbal prompts to show you are listening without breaking the speakers flow. Examples include:
They work like nodding to let the speaker know you are with them and are listening.
Speakers sometimes need to know that issues that seem important to them are also important to others. They want us to show that their point of view is valid. Listeners can use statements and questions to validate points. Examples include:
Validating statements show speakers that you're right behind them. Speakers often become more confident and enthusiastic when they are validated.
Often, speakers are reluctant to go into too much detail for fear of boring you. They will often skip over points important to their communication. By encouraging speakers to expand, you are more likely to get the full story. You are also indicating that you see what they have to say as valuable. Examples include:
Many valuable ideas and suggestions never see the light of day because listeners don't encourage speakers to fully explore their ideas.
Confirming statements serve to check that you have understood the speaker. It allows the speaker to correct any misunderstandings. With confirming statements, you paraphrase or sum up what the speaker has said so far. Examples include:
Sometimes, a listener will be unclear about what the speaker means. A good listener will ask questions to make sure they know what is being said. Some examples of this are:
A good deal of our communication contains emotional as well as informational elements. Because the emotional side of communication is so important in conflict situations, we will look at this in greater detail in the next section. Some examples of empathic feedback include:
Empathising works by showing the person speaking that you understand the emotional content of what they are saying about feelings rather than logic. You don't even have to agree with what they are saying, just how they are describing their own situation. h How they feel about events that may be beyond their control.
The above empathy technique can be very effective when used appropriately for emotional content, perhaps moreso on some personalities seeking recognition or acknowledgement. Showing empathy can also backfire disasterously if an emotional attachment is acknowledged that does not exist. The key to using empathy that it is natural for emotional content.
Nothing sounds more false than the mechanical use of attentive listening strategies. These techniques need to be practiced in order to work, but practicing is harmless and will give you a chance to possibly find your own better way of saying things.
Silence
As useful as feedback strategies might be, the most effective tool of the attentive listener is definitely silence. Pauses in a conversation give the speaker time to gather their thoughts. They may go into greater depth following a pause or move on to another point.
Silence can also be a powerful tool when the speaker wants to talk more intimately about emotionally charged issues. Pauses allow the speaker to really feel the emotional impact of what they have said. This is something I have noticed often. Everything stops. When the listener just remains quietly attentive, the speaker goes within and starts to feel. The effect is often very potent. Perhaps this is why so many people find silences uncomfortable. A good listener needs to respect the Speakers boundaries. The speaker may not feel comfortable to go into these feelings. Push them with silences and they will very likely not trust you again.
The environment in which communication occurs is another important factor that will effect both speaker and listener. What will be said in the middle of a busy office will be different from what occurs behind closed doors at home. Both speakers and listeners should take time to consider whether a different environment might better suit the discussion. Is the subject a private matter? Does the content require a great deal of concentration? Choose an environment where you will both feel comfortable.
The following tips will help establish an environment for active listening to occur:
One thing to be aware of in the workplace is peer group pressure. Most people just go along with others with whatever prevailing workplace culture exists. In extreme cases such as military or security roles it has been shown that good people can do some extreme acts to fit in with colleagues.
This is an activity about personality, responsibility and obedience to authority. It demonstrates some possible conflicts between personal resonsibility and obligations to your employer.
One company CEO used this exercise to try and determine which staff members would do her bidding and who would not? As an employee, list your civil and criminal law obligations to protect your co-workers from certain acts or omissions which go beyond your obligations to follow the orders of your superior? For example; the criminal law, not causing anyone to fear, racial or religious vilification Acts or workplace discriminination laws. What sort of actions could you be personally held to be criminally or civilly liable for that may conflict with some orders from your employer?
Most people are obedient to authority figures, even corrupt ones which was demonstrated by Stanley Milgram's experiments. The Neuremburg defence of "Just following orders" will not hold water in any court of law. In the King of Judea example above, one CEO thought that staff who judged that the gatekeeper was personally responsible would not be good employees at following orders, almost implying that the organisation would be asking staff to break the law!
Some people have an internal locus of control, others can be more easily influenced by others. To be an ethical person in the workplace, you need to be making your own informed choices when it comes to the safety of others and never abrogating that responsibility for your own actions to co-workers or your employer.
Sometimes one of a minority may be the best employees unaffected by, peer group pressure. The best police in Victoria Australia are the ones willing to stand up to a culture of corruption. The best workers may be the unconventional ones who do not conform to the worst peer group pressures. In conforming to extreme peer group pressure you may be putting yourself at risk of criminal responsibility. Perhaps in some occupations like police officers or prison-guards, the non-conforming employees with an internal locus of control might be the most ethical and better at protecting the safety of other staff members. Experiments have shown that normally good conforming people can be easily persuaded to do bad acts. The Lucifer effect.
If you are an employer or co-worker interested in high standards or maintenance safety, you should try and be tolerant of some ethical non-conformist individuals as checks on others over-zealous to enforce conformance or cost cutting which could put the personal safety of staff at risk. People want their QANTAS engineers, maintenance crew and pilots to say "No way" and refuse to use inferior parts or maintenance cost cutting which threatens lives. These QANTAS staff are protecting your life. Perhaps they are being disobedient to their employer, but they are fulfilling their civil obligations to exercise a duty of care to other staff and passengers. What is more important, keeping a job or saving lives? Should company rules be broken if they compromise safety? In fact, there is a legal duty of care owed by staff to passengers to use all skill and knowledge possible, even to break company rules to not cause any acts or omissions which could hurt others, whether by negligence or recklessness.
QANTAS have recently banned the taking of pictures by employees. If you were a QANTAS employee and knew of a serious danger likely to cause the deaths of passengers, would you break company rules and take photographs of the problem to try and save lives, knowing you will loose your job?
Apart from the legal obligations to exercise a duty of care to co-workers, many occupations are inheirently involved with Dealing with Conflict in more dangerous situations.
If you were contracted to protect the life of someone else, what considerations would affect your assessment of the risk to them? How vulnerable are they? How well know or visable are they to the possible threat? What is the threat level?
An Ancient guide to military strategy. The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Being aware of and responding effectively to peoples' feelings is a subtle and important part of active listening. The empathising responses listed above are useful for showing a speaker that you understand their feelings. A few others points I would add are:
To listen well takes time and concentration. In order to develop active listening skills, you must first establish the commitment to really listen. Many conflicts become destructive purely because people are not prepared to listen. Habits that show a willingness to listen are:
This point is really the key to all others. Unless you are prepared to listen, your body language is likely to betray you. The amazing thing about active listening is that people actually become more interesting when you do it. They feel supported by you and start to open up. You get to hear what is really happening for them; all the juicy interesting bits. Just relax and really take the time to listen!
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