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Changing the way we approach conflict involves changing how we see others and ourselves. It is easy to see conflict as something that happens to us; something out there in the external unfriendly environment. Mostly, we will try to pin the conflict on circumstances or on that troublesome other. If only I didn't have to work with that idiot. If only they wearn't so difficult to get along with. They cause the conflict.
In order to deal with conflict more effectively, you might first consider the question of whether you are internally or externally motivated? The Locus of Control can be internally or externally motivated in different individuals. Do you believe you are controlled by events outside yourself beyond your control (fate) or are you internally motivated? A brief 13 question online test that takes two minutes to test your locus of control.
To some extent we all have social and legal obligations to others imposed on us by an outside authority, but the locus of control for many people can be to believe in and accept many other directions from an authority outside themselves which are not required by law. Many people have a significant other who effectively directs their life. This can cause people many problems dealing with others from a rigid fixed point of view that does not relate to their circumstances.
An extreme example of an external locus of control might be religious beliefs which guide almost every action, seeking the approval of a God, Church, Priest, Rabbi or Mufti. A person who believes that astrology and the stars determines their destiny also has an external locus of control. Such beliefs are likely to be a major cause of stress, if you believe that you have little power or say over your own destiny.
The opposite extreme, an internally motivated personality is also disfunctional for relationships. A strongly internally motivated person might be very difficult to get along with and in extremes cases might be a sociopathic personality who accepts no authority and rejects even basic laws designed to preserve good order and social harmony.
Perhaps in considering a conflict situation, consider the extent to which yourself and the others involved are motivated by personal factors or are they the result of external forces acting on the personalities involved?
We can learn a lot about ourselves from the conflicts we find ourselves in and from the roles we play in conflict. Conflicts have a way of reflecting our attitudes back to us. Do we show respect for others? Do we show respect for ourselves?
In many ways, staying sane and relatively happy in a relationship involves finding a balance between respecting our own needs and limits and those of others. This unit explores the impact our attitudes have on conflict: our attitude to ourselves and to others.
Identify the signs, stages and possible causes of conflict.
Conflict isn't just about the other person. How we look at ourselves is just as important as how we look at others. Our ability to cope and to deal with conflict requires us to have respect and understanding for our needs, our personal boundaries and ourselves. Self-esteem, self-awareness and our ability to manage our stress all impact on self-respect and our ability to deal with conflict.
Figure Picture a happy confident person and a underconfident one. Body language etc.
The most significant influence on all our behaviour comes from how we see ourselves: our self worth. If we see ourselves as capable, we will give it a go. If we see ourselves as attractive, we will act naturally. If we see ourselves as free, we will be unafraid to make choices.
Self-esteem is sometimes mistaken for having a big head; for thinking you are better than someone else is. People assume that loud and successful people have high self-esteem. Self-esteem simply means feeling good about yourself, to some extent having an internal locus of control. It comes from within and does not need external events in the world to prop it up.
People with high self-esteem deal effectively with conflict for a number of reasons:
Low self-esteem shows itself in a variety of ways. Whilst some people will directly express themselves in ways which show a low self regard, others can try to compensate with a compelling need to prove themselves to be better than others. Regardless, of how it is expressed, the core feeling of not being good enough remains.
Highly androgynous individuals, posessing balanced feminine and masculine characteristics are hypothesised to be more sensitive and adaptive to their environment and to be able to express appropriate behavoiur when confronting environmental challenges.
Sex typed individuals, the tough masculine male or the sensitive nurturing female are hypothesised to be less sensitive to their environment and relatively non adaptive to environments inconsistent with their dominant mode of behaviour and to exhibit situationally inappropriate behaviour
Young female adolescents with low levels of positive feminine characteristics were most likely to have low self esteem; young male adolescents with low levels of female characteristics were most likely to hold stereotyped attitudes to gender roles.
The Personal Description Questionaire Antill, Cunningham, Russell and Thompson (1981) which has sub-scales of positive and negative femininity and masculinity items. Russell and Antill (1984) reported a positive relationship between masculinity and self esteem with the strongest relationship for females. They also reported a strong negative relationship between self-esteem and the negative femininity scale. Marsh, Antill and Cunningham (1987) reported similar findings across other instruments with masculinity being related positively to self esteem and femininity negatively or not at all. Negative female characteristics such as nervous, dependent, timid and self-critical.
If you answered yes to many of these questions, then like many people you might be showing signs of low self-esteem.
A person's basic self-concept is established early in life. It develops through their interactions with parents and siblings; teachers and peers. Although parents may be outwardly loving and kind, they will often gives messages to their children that support low self-esteem.
Unrealistic expectations can set the child up to feel like they are always failing; always a disappointment. Similarly, children often pick up attitudes that reflect low self-esteem from parents. "We may not be the smartest family but..". Often parents and teachers simply believe criticism is the best way to teach children.
Whatever the cause, a repeated sense of failure leads to a lack of confidence that leads to more failures and perhaps to giving up. Low self-esteem is self-perpetuating because it undermines confidence. As the child grows up, they will often develop ways of hiding or compensating for low self-esteem.
Adults with low self-esteem have an inner voice which is much the same as the dissatisfied parent; constantly nagging, criticising or expecting more. They may perform quite well in ordinary circumstances but that inner lack of confidence will hold the back from being what they want to be.
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